Real Life: I BlamED My Parents

In my openness I hope to bless you, I hope to show you that no matter where you come from or what you have been through there is always a way out with God. I trust and believe that God can mend and transform a broken heart. The ways in which you are broken may be different than my ways but God is able to renew US completely. I hope to share what he has done for me as encouragement for you.

Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Psalm 51:10

Growing up it was always hard for me to ask my parents for anything because they would get frustrated with each other and tell me about it, or tell me to relay a message to the other person. Usually the message was about something they had a problem with or a question that insinuated there was a problem. As a result, I began to feel like I wasn’t worthy. Like I didn’t deserve anything they had to give me. Like I was a mistake and didn’t belong. Do I blame them? No, I can’t. For a long time though, I did. I thought how on earth can these people be my parents and not realize how much they are hurting me with their words, their actions.

My parents did so much to make sure that I was taken care of. Watching my mom work multiple jobs hurt as a child because honestly I was selfish, stubborn, spoiled and insecure. I often wondered why my mom would rather work than spend time with me. I didn’t always think this but there were definitely times when this thought crossed my mind. As I grew older I realized that she was just doing everything in her power to provide for me, our family. 1 Timothy 5:8 But those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers. Anyone who she is able to help she helps no matter how hard it was on her. She has such a giving spirit she can’t help but to help everyone else. Of course she is human so sometimes when life got to be too much or she was stretched too thin she would become angry with everyone around her, mainly me. In these times she was just trying to balance her emotions and the older I get the more I understand. Was it right? No! But she is human and we all make mistakes, mistakes in which we must learn from.

My father made sure to teach me things I would need to make it in this world. He broke me, he let me go without, he put me in situations that to me seemed so hard but he would never put me in a difficult situation where he was unable to save me or pull me out of it. I remember when I was about 12 or 13 and thought that I was afraid of dogs but I wanted to have dogs (confusing right). Anyway, we had a dog and once he got so big I didn’t want to mess with him, feed him, none of that. My dad called me outside and made me put my hand in the dog’s mouth. I was terrified and didn’t understand why a father would do his baby girl like that…of course it was to show me that I was fearful of nothing. My dog wanted nothing more than to love me and play with me. I didn’t understand that for so long, I just thought “my father is crazy”. Ephesians 6:4 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

Also, as I grew older the things my dad gave me slowly became less and less. He was trying to teach me to make it on my own. Winging me off of depending on him and teaching me to ask for the things that I want in life. I still have not fully mastered this because with all that went on with my parents I developed the mentality that if I want something I will simply go out and get it myself or I don’t need it. Of course there are some things that I need my parents wisdom and help in doing and they are always there but it has to be HUGE and beyond my ability in order for me to go to them. Is this pride or is it just not wanting my parents to suffer because of me? Perhaps a little of both #heartcheck.  

Not until here lately am I able to realize that this was all for a reason. I have been feeling like nothing is working out and nothing is getting taken care of and like it is impossible for me to go out and just get what I want, I am struggling a bit getting a job and I have never not had a job. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the concept of not working. Of not having money, of not being able to pay my bills, none of it makes sense. My parents taught me things that would be beneficial during my walk with Christ but opposed to looking for the lessons I looked at all the negative, unsure of how their actions could be a lesson. Naïve to the idea of parenting; Proverbs 22:6 KJV Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. My mother was showing me how to love, and how a woman will go to any lengths to provide for her family. It took me depending on her and trusting that she would provide for me, in the same sense I have to transfer these skills towards my relationship with my heavenly father, depending on Him wholeheartedly. My father was teaching me to ask for things my heavenly father is teaching me to do the same. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT CHRIST!

John 15:5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” Time spent with God, praying to Him, casting all of your cares onto Him is time well spent! No one is able to fill your voids, not even YOU. God will heal you, He will help you, He is your strength. God has helped me dig deep down and find the things that hurt me, the things that were hindering my growth and breakthrough. There are multiple seasons of our life where we will learn new lessons. Be open to learning them! We should never be too PROUD to go to our heavenly father and seek direction. He is here to help and guide us. We must be consistent in our walk. Never giving up, never wavering. Read Matthew 7:7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” The process of getting over thinking that my parents didn't love me but wanted the best for me was very long and drawn out but with God on my side I have been able to overcome this insecurity. I will talk more about this in future blog posts.

Be patient as God unlocks doors for you (I am also speaking to myself). The road will not always be easy by any means but it is definitely worth it. Just because things get tough does NOT mean we should give up.

2 Corinthians 12:9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.